Saturday, October 10, 2009

Bizarro Tebow makes his first Strike

If what Channel 6 reported yesterday is true, this is may be how Tebow got the start back. The Alligator has the story:

Urban Meyer and John Brantley are huddled together in a dimly lit hallway, just outside the Florida Gators’ locker room.

They speak in hushed but passionate voices.

Brantley: “You said this was my chance! You said even if the doctors clear him to play, you still had to make a decision. You told me yesterday I was going to be the starter. My family drove all the way out here, and the receivers even promised they’d try this week. You have to go in there and tell him!”

Meyer: “How am I supposed to do that? I’ve got kids, man.”

A loud thump comes from inside the locker room, and the two jump back, startled.

Brantley: “Look, the offense can still be great with me playing. Demps and Rainey are fast as lightning, and Deonte is bound to catch one out of every three deep balls. Then we can bring in Moody to grind out the tough yards.”

Meyer: “Who?”

They are interrupted again by the sound of crashing and growling on the other side of the door.

Meyer: “Well, I guess I better go get this over with.”

Meyer enters the locker room and is shocked at the scene before him.

A single, naked light bulb swings from the ceiling.

The room is empty, save for three tigers whimpering in the corner.

Tim Tebow is seated in front of a mirror, calmly crushing Nalgene bottles with one hand and writing with the other.

“Uh, hey Tim,” Meyer says nervously.

“Hi, coach,” Tebow responds, carefully using a Sharpie to write on an eye black strip.

Meyer: “What Bible verse are you going with this week?”

Tebow: “Oh, it’s one of my favorites. It’s from Isaiah, chapter 33, verse 1. ‘Woe to you, O destroyer, you who have not been destroyed! Woe to you, O traitor, you who have not been betrayed! When you stop destroying, you will be destroyed; when you stop betraying, you will be betrayed.’ I think it’s really important not to betray people, don’t you, coach?”

Meyer shudders and tugs on his collar.

Meyer: “Listen, Tim. You know I’d love to see you play tonight, but…”

Tebow: “But what?”

Meyer: “But I can’t risk you getting hurt again. If you go down on my watch, I’m done for. I promise, just sit out tonight and I’ll let you run on every play against Arkansas.”

Tebow pauses, then gives a lighthearted chuckle.

Tebow: “Coach, were you nervous about telling me this? Don’t worry about it. I’m fine taking the night off. I know Johnny has it covered.”

Meyer is visibly relieved. As he walks back out into the hallway to tell Brantley the good news, a hooded figure approaches and sneaks up behind Brantley.

Meyer: “Dan? Is that you? What are you doing here?”

The hood slips off, revealing Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen. He pulls out a club, smacks Brantley’s knee and runs off down the hallway, where he high-fives Tebow.

Tebow glares at Meyer for a moment, then slips his helmet on and leads his teammates onto the field.

Meyer: “Well, at least I don’t have to give Moody any carries now.”

Editor’s Note: The above exchange is purely fictional and meant for comedic purposes.

To the best of our knowledge, Dan Mullen has not been contracted for a hit on John Brantley.

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